Jimmy Kimmel: ‘I wonder who picked up that dinner tab’
“Today, Team Trump got a visit from the ghost of investigations past,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Monday night, as the justice department released over 300 pages of notes and memos from the investigation, led by Robert Mueller, into Russian election interference. The notes reveal that the former New Jersey governor Chris Christie dined with Trump on Valentine’s Day 2017, an occasion where Trump remarked, according to Kimmel, “Now that we fired Michael Flynn, the Russia thing is over.”
“I don’t know which is more embarrassing: the fact that Trump thought he was in the clear in 2017, or that Donald Trump and Chris Christie spent Valentine’s Day together,” Kimmel said. “I wonder who picked up that dinner tab.”
In other political news, a day after the Republicans released their own document, the House intelligence committee was set to release its impeachment report on Tuesday, “and this report includes stuff the Republican report doesn’t – like evidence, for instance”.
Kimmel also brought up an unusual YouGov/Economist poll which reported that 53% of Republicans believe Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln. “That can’t be serious – no one believes Donald Trump is a better president than Lincoln,” a skeptical Kimmel remarked. “That’s like saying measles is better than ice cream. It’s not.”
And finally, Kimmel looked at the latest developments from the Democratic campaign trail, specifically: Joe Biden’s bus tour of Iowa, which he branded the “no malarkey!” tour in bus-length script. Kimmel found the slogan laughable, at best – “The no malarkey tour is coming to a senior center near you! Who says politicians are out of touch?”
As “a service to the Biden campaign”, Kimmel’s staff conducted an informal survey of young people outside the Los Angeles studio, asking random passersby what they thought “malarkey” meant. Predictably, almost no one knew, with responses ranging from “I guess it has something to do with art?” to “banter, something like that” to “a tour to try all different cheeses”.
Trevor Noah: ‘Like shaving an old man’s back hair’
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah logged another installment of “World War D”, his series on the crowded Democratic primary field. With 336 days until the 2020 presidential election, he said, “the Democrats still don’t know who their contender will be, [but] they do know who their contender won’t be.” Long-shot candidates Joe Sestak and Steve Bullock recently dropped out of the race.
But that still leaves 16 candidates competing for the nomination, “because every time a Democrat quits, more Democrats jump in,” Noah explained. “Getting rid of Democratic candidates is like shaving an old man’s back hair – it grows back twice as thick.”
And “the newest hair on the back of the Democratic primary” is Michael Bloomberg, billionaire media mogul and former mayor of New York, who entered the race last week with the single largest ad buy in American political history at $35m. It’s a bold strategy, but he’s got to be careful, Noah advised. “TV ads are a great way for getting noticed, but too many TV ads can turn people against you. Like the first time I saw that Kars4Kids ad, I thought it was cute. And now, my life’s mission is to destroy that organization.”
As Bloomberg got attention for his large ad purchase, Pete Buttigieg drew criticism for the content of one his ads on public education, which was condemned by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
“Pete Buttigieg says that he supports free public college but it shouldn’t apply to rich people’s kids,” Noah explained. “And in response, rich people said: ‘What the fuck is a public college? Is that a public toilet? I think I’ve heard of those.’”
Noah also touched on Biden’s “no malarkey” campaign branding and a rally in which he playfully bit his wife Jill’s finger on camera. “No Joe! Bad Joe!” Noah joked, though he admitted it was a “cute moment between a couple. But it would be cuter if it was at home instead of in the middle of a rally.”
Like Kimmel, Noah was also aghast at Biden’s “no malarkey!” slogan. “‘Yes we can,’ ‘Make America Great Again,’ ‘No malarkey?’” he listed.
“What does that word even mean? It sounds like the dish your vegan cousin serves at Thanksgiving – ‘It’s not turkey, it’s malarkey!’”